that man that would have to deal with me in the future. im sorry. im sorry for having a bigger personality than i ever had before. im sorry if i get to out of control. im sorry if i would have to fight you for whatever reason.

i cant even. seriously, like foreal, i have yet to be myself whenever im around someone i have a full on crush on. how am i supposed to find someone i will love forever if i dont even know how to be myself around him? is that it though, when i am around someone i dearly like, am i being this whole different person because im really crying out that i dont know who i am though.  i dont have any favorites, i dont  know what a normal day is for me, i dont know who to go to when im really really down. i dont know if im funny annoying shy loud quiet to people. i dont know what people think of me so i dont know how to act around the people i do want to be around all the time. i dont know how to act when around certain people. i dont know if i want to be this perky happy person that never lies all the time anymore. the way people perceive the normal person to be is somebody i dont want to be at all.  whenever someone talks to me about how to act around a guy i like, i shouldn't be so obvious. but whats the point of subtlety if you like someone and you him to like you. i am not a subtle person to begin with so what the hell do i become when i have a mad crush on someone. so shame to be myself around guys i like cause im scared they might not  have the same feelings because im different.

some guy told me to be more different. i wanted to know more about what he meant but i acted like i didnt give a fuck. I think i asked him how but i didnt get an answer. he just kept fuckin saying just be more different. well obviously i should because i wasnt even being myself when i was around him. but how do you tell that to a guy though. oh im sorry i wasnt being myself...lol they dont care. i dont know how to act around people i want to be with. oh yea, and im supposedly a turn off. i wanted to ask him how but shit thats pretty sad to begin with tellin me i was a complete turn off. holy fuck i dont want to be alone my whole life. i dont want anything to do with being single when im older. i guess when i meet someone for the first time i should stop all this oh im shy phase. it gets annoying to me.