im going to try and hurry this up because i have so much in my mind i might forget it. buti realized how excited i am for hawaii and i dont know if i might just devlin in my pants. but then when i really thought about it, i was like skinny girls and their bikinis at the beach all day. fuck. this made me so concerned cause i really do want to go to the beach all the time every downtime i have. it made me realize how much insecurities i still have to deal with even when i leave this shitty city. fuck.
youre not fat janine. youre just big boned. youre tall. youre not fat janine stop thinking that. youre beautiful. dont care what people think. THATS THE THING!!! this is what people think. or what people tell me. they think im not fat. i really dont care what people think cause im too busy trying to cater to my own feelings toward myself. im the biggest self-bully out there. or may just have the big insecurities and lowest self esteem about my body. i know i have a nice face but behind that face is fat fat fat fat fat more fat down the inner thighs fat fat fat fat more fat in the chin area fat fat fat in the tricep arm area. and the more fat on my oblique side area. and most importantly, my stomach. i have a great handful of fat. you can seriously take a grown mans hand and get a handful of pudge all over my body. i dont know how to eat either. its pathetic.
i really do need to figure this out. eat 4 to 5 meals a day? are you crazy? i know thats what fitness instructors and healthy people do, but i still dont trust myself to do this. i try to eat 5 meals a day. but how can i do that if im waking up at 3-4 in the afternoon everyday also? i thought i got smaller, but right when i took a picture of myself i loook huge. -____- theres so much shit in my mind i dont know how to structure this...
in hawaii, i want to start fresh, look attractive sorta start fresh and not look like i can eat a whole buffet. ive been watching all these films that do with unexpected love, falling in love, best guyfriend love, i dint realize it love. and as i watch these films, i noticed all the main actress characters are totally weird, nerdy, sloppy, or bratty or spoiled in the beginning, but one thing they definitely had in common, was that they didnt have fat in their arms, inner thighs when they wore a bikini, or fat in general. they all had their romance and loved one in the end. a super hot guy
and since i do want to have a handsome somebody, i dont want to give them a pudgy fat girl. i want to stand out from other girls who he couldve hooked up with instead of me. cause i noticed that im kinda not myself if i dont know people. and im not really that interesting to be with.in my head. so if i got a bangin ass body, i can be accepted-i took a crack at looking at the mirror. i had to stop. i really dont like how i look. i have INSANITY too!!!! wtf. im number one in zero motivation. right now i feel like shit. i want to be fit and i love it when i eat healthy it feels really good, but self motivation and self determination is not enough for me. i need someone elses attention to help me keep it going.
i do have someone i think of everytime i do INSANITY. buttttt the downside of that is that hell never be mine. ever. i can tell him all i can with my last breath that i have a crush on him but hell never make a move with someone who looks like me. we can be soulmates for all i care and know, but thats not gonna top and win over a guy who already got bitches in line for him. he already has a main lady who he cant stop goin back to thats what im seeing and hearing. so i can have motivation to get him to be mine one day, then reality kicks back in the next day and self motivation cant do shit to make me push myself harder.
i definitely know how to push myself. i went to westmoor freshman year, hello! but i had coaches to worry about and people to impress. now that im on my own, with a low self esteem already and high insecurities, how in the hell can self motivation kick me in the ass to get better? right?
writing this down helps me actually feel beettter. and look bad. so i have the internet telling me im a worthless piece of devlin. and that makes me boost up my self motivation. yea yea yea oh janine you should be happy of how you look at yourself. love yourself, feel good. no fuck that. i cant stand being fat anymore. its a heart breaker to see all these losers get the guy they want and i standing at the corner waiting for the party to end as soon as possible.
and in hawaii, again, iwant to be friends, close friends, with the cutest and nicest people there. i want to be confident. period. im nice, im practical also, im not a pushover, im a gryffindor. but i just dont want to look like im in hufflepuff. i want to look slim and fit. that i actually played a sport ini high school that i can actually run a mile under 9 minutes.
in hawaii, theres gonna be some, no alot of girls with rockin bodies and i want one too. if i have to take 2-a-days, intense workouts, take it to the extreme, ill do it. i have less than 2 months til i leave daly city and im going to hawaii with a better look for myself and im going to feel good. if self motivation is the only thing going for me in the next month, so be it.
im so distracted right now. tumblr is crazily distractive. ugh. but yeah, ive been---op! i need a new journal. i need a pretty one that looks battered--and i just googled it and it costs 60. but its refillable! sweet.
but yeaup, ive been doing happy dances about leaving to hawaii. but i forgot i was going there for school. so i reasoned with my unhappy self that if i wanted to be energized and healthy and pay attention more in class, im going to have to eat better and right. so thatll help me.
okay ive realized that ive been complaining that i cant even wake up early as 8 in the am, but it almost 230 right now. i should do something about that. good night, shit.