i realize i cant do things thatll make me look weak or stupid and i dont know how to practice if i practice in front of people and look stupid in front of them. so its kinda hard for me in life kinda if you see it. ive always been interested in fashion and drama/theater/acting but im too scared to look bad to do it. i mean, basketballs enough to look stupid in. im just tired of thinking like this. acting like this when i get older wont bring me anywhere. i feel like crying right now. shit like this make me go a-wall and quit. i need more confidence and i need to lose weight so i can feel good. im tired of not wearing nice clothes because im afraid i cant pull it off or someones gonna say something. this feeling isnt going away and no one really gets the way i feel i know this because theres no one i know enough to listen to me willingly. so that means there is nobody else that has the same feelings like this.
i cant explain this type of feeling of insecurity and low selfesteem and no confidence whatsoever. i guess i already explained it. i dont show this side of me until i feel outcasted or shy or when i dont really know anyone and i dont know how to jump into conversation during little groups and stuff. and this side of me is complete opposite of what i want to be most of the time and who i really am sort of. this side of me, the whole low self esteem, insecurity, anti-confidence side, its really ugly to experience. you think everyones looking at you, laughing at you, waiting for you to look stupid and then smirk about it with friends afterwards, this is a crying situation for me.
i feel so low whenever i cant do stuff as good as others. i usually make jokes about everything i do but i cant seem to joke around whenever playing a sport. if i make a mistake, i feel like everyones looking at me diffferently. thats why id rather fall first on my own rather than have someone else do it. people say no youre beautiful! no youre not overweight youre just tall! no youre funny! no im gonna miss you! the one i hella dont understand is the youre not overweight youre just tall. am i saying that correctly? cause thats all i be hearing and that shit dont make sense at all foreal. when i say im not beautiful, its for me to handle it and i dont need no bullshit comments saying that i already am. that makes it even worse idk why. and i know for a fact im not that funny so people, dont laugh at all if i didnt say anything funny.
i care so much about what other people say about me. cause all this gossip people be telling me gets me scared that im next up to be talked about and i really dont want that shit. its annoying to not have all the money we want so i can buy the shit i need to be more happy. once i get my career goin imma try and keep myself happy and forget about making other people happy.
im done trying to be on peoples good side i really dont want to care anymore because everytime i try to be on someones good side they dont even try to make an effort to even say hi. i always say hi to everyone i know and half the time people ignore me or dont hear me. even if i dont even give a fuck about them, it still hurts that they ignored someone whos just trying to be nice instead of all these fake ass bitches tryna say hi then talk shit about you afterwards. and theyre what you call your bffs and shit? im tryna say wassup as good company and people still ignore me, haha, and they would rather have a shitty ass friend who looks good to hang out with than someone who looks weird but rather nicer than anyone youve ever met.
im like one of the last genuine people out there orlike the only person that will listen if you look like a loner cause youre waiting for your friends to come and the one who actually tries to keep a convo goin or try to say something hilarious so i can cheer someone up. this is weird cause im actually saying everything that ive been trying to say for the past sixteen years and i finally have a grip on the words i want to express these feelings with. i dont know how to keep my jokes timeless and have it funny for a long time. im sorry. iim done trying to make stupid jokes. its getting me annoying because of all these fake ass laughs i always be hearing.
im not much all in all. im simple, i have nothing to gossip about because its not my business to let everyones shit out. i dont pretend i know someone just because i know their business from big mouths. im straightforward, if i know someones name and they dont know mine, i tell them my name and try to make it as less awkward as it can be. i dont bring drama in the house, i dont have anything interesting happening all the time, so if i get into a conversation all itd be about would be favorite color and shit. so i make things awkward. im not a complainer sorta so i dont make convos just complaining about screw the world and fml.
so i guess thats the reason why i dont know how to be close to people, im too nice and im boring to be with. i think everything is awkward and whenever i talk its pretty awkward. i know a great amount of people, and most of them everytime i see theres nothing to talk about so all i do is try to say hi and bye and run away the opposite direction and lose their sight. im weird, i wander around places all by myself cause i love being independent. and whenever i see people during these times,they make me feel stupidfor doing it and i get down on myself for not having close friends, close enough to just walk around aimlessly until we do something productive for the day. i know id love to force people to read this but it takes the love for me to read it so noones going to read this ever. no one cares for me enough to read this until the end, i already know and its the fact, im not trying to down myself, but i cant put words in my head if its not true you know?
i hate being honest with myself. its good for other people, but its not good for me. when youre honest you see everything true. i can tell when someone doesnt want me to be there by their look and ignoring me obviously. i can honestly say i can see the truth in people. when im not wanted and i walk away and people say youre leaving now? in such awe it makes me sick and makes them look pathetic cause i know theyve been wanting me to leave for the longest time. when i see the truth in people, it shows me who real friends are...the same assholes you try to avoid. ahhahaha but foreal, there are just specific assholes you can deal with enough to be a good friend of yours.
im tired of writing something that no ones even gonna bother..-j9