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i dont know what it is, but i get the feeling i am really alone right now. everything i say isnt me and i try not to sound so ?wierd.(i dont know how else to explain it) or hella annoying or like the type that no one really wants to hear about it. hmph, i dont have a big vocabulary so im not good at explaining things. just two hours ago i wrote yesterdays blog, and it took me 4 hours to complete it, because well yeah i had interruptions, and went to places, but also because it took me a while to type in the right words for every feeling i was feeling at the moment. hmph. i have no clue -__-. whatever you dumbass, stfu and MAN UP! man can i be too much of a softy @ times. haha wutever. i gotta stop compainin bout stupid shit like this


oh yeah, haha. i just found all my old songs i wrote in the fifth grade! boy, did i have the strongest feelings about love. i had the biggest crush on michael. . . haha that was so weird. weve all grown to become someone totally different, but we still end up with the same people who still remember you from the past. i think this is what's wrong with me, i cant accept change. i get all bothered and all attitudey whenever someone ive known for so long is trying to change. pshhh. its like, girrrrl, i still remember what you did or who you were when you were younger. dont try actin all hard, like you better than everyone. just dont big boy, or else im gonna miss being your friend. . . i hope this makes sense.

if only he was not going out with anyone. . boy oh boy

omg its like 201 in the morning. something just hit me. i was reading something and it brought me back to the youth group. i noticed i don't pray at night anymore. i only say thankyou and thats it. i think i stopped after coach didnt start me that one game. did i blame jesus for it? i think its so kiddish but i think i did, or i was mad at him. boy do people really need to be more caring in this world. im so sorry. ineed to go to youth group again. -_- but it seems like the people there dont really want newcomers there. idont know. i have that weird vibe everytime i meet someone new. that everyone in the world is not fond of my presence in the beginning. like someone there i feel she/he doesnt want me there, everytime i say hi its like a pathetic hi back to me. im always happy to say hi to her, but it seems like s/he doesnt even want to see me. thats why im so nervous to open up and talk or dance in public because people will start judging, like ew why is shy doing that? does she know she looks stupid? i have a low self-esteem and ive had counselor after counselor telling me i am beautiful the way i am. i believe everyone really is beautiful the way they are except for me and bad guys. take care.

i remember when everyone used to tell me "JANINE! WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS HAPPY?! EVERY SINGLE DAY YOU MAKE A JOKE OR DO SOMETHING FUNNY AND IT MAKES EVERYONE FEEL A LITTLE BIT HAPPIER!" that sure was elem. and middle school days. every single day i was always happy to be at school even though i was always late. haha now i barely crack a smile -__- i was such a happy go lucky kid, but deep inside me, i felt so alone, that no one knows how i feel and how depressing it is. (haha stfu J9hood! i can be so soft man! i gotta get over it! )everytime someone tries to tell me they have the worst life ever, i always say in my head that theres always someone who has it worst than you! so stop acting like your world is crashing down and enjoy your kid years because youre never gonna get it back! you selfish doer! everytime. . this comes in my head every single time. i dont think, but i know that anyone who knows when to smile and when to keep it together are the strongest people in our world, but yet again, people who know how to let it out and forget about it are also strong. hmph. comedians are the best at letting out their problems. they just are